Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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