I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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