how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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