happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
