Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
