The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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