I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
