There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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