nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
