I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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