Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
