Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
