hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
What a dumb baby whore.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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