i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
