barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
