the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
