i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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