So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
