my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
