So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
