Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just sent this text using only my big toe
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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