He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
