The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
