I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
