I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
