this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
