I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
