I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
