my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
