After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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