walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
