It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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