Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
