My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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