I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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