My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
