We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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