We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
