Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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