My liver just broke up with me...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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