Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
