We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
