My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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