the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
