I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am one with the molecules
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
