1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
