just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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