and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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