I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
