you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
