the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
