I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
